Just some choice pictures for the beginning of the new year

You are famous

Here are a couple of pictures taken from the nursery website. There is no possible way your face remained as clean as it did in this photos. I think exactly three seconds later, you smeared a load of paint into your hair and swallowed half a tray of the stuff. 

We know because you have colourful, glittery poos.

I can't wait to see what joys you created here.

There are no words

This is a piece of 'work' completed by you at the nursery:

I can't tell you the feeling that filled our bodies from our toes to our crowns when the nursery lady handed this to us. We looked at each other, your mummy and I. There is no word suitable for it, so I will settle for a lame synonym: crushing disappointment.

You have shown all the potential so far of being a very gifted, intelligent, advanced boy. Sadly, we had to immediately reconsider our thoughts on your abilities today. There is no thought gone into the colour scheme or the theme of what you have created. "It could just be an abstract piece," your mummy attempted a defense, hopefully. 

"I've seen chimps pick at their vaginas and throw shit with more creativity." Came my swift reply;

"Looking at that is like watching an 87 year old arthritic woman having a drippy enema," I added, angrily.

"There is more inspiration on James Turner Street." Agreed your mummy, quietly.

"I'd sooner shit a fiddler crab than look at that abomination anymore." I screamed, half at the picture, half at Noah and half at mummy.

Your mummy could do nothing but nod, half shaking with tears. Did you do this on purpose, Noah? Why? 

As soon as we were on the road on the way home, I hurried the painting out the window and into the rainy, Hinckley Street.

"Is it too late to put him up for adoption?" Said mummy.

I dropped the car down a gear and sped home.

You don't play ball when the camera's about

Recently, as we've mentioned, you've started saying 'poo' and 'wee'. You usually like to volunteer this information but we were desperate to get it on the camera because it's funny and the novelty of having you hasn't quite worn off yet.

Problem is, when a camera is on, you shut up. Or you say something else. Here is a prime example. Up until the point the camera was rolling, you had been telling mummy all about your wees and poos. Hear the frustration in mummy's voice after she's said, "Poo" five hundred times.

New shoes

You were a very lucky boy today. Only recently have been wearing soft shoes (and only then on as few occasions as possible) because you are sturdier on your bare feet and otherwise kick everything else off. Now, though, it was time to take you down Clark's to have your feet measured for a new, proper, hard-soled and everything, pair of shoes. 

You love them and you look perfect in them. They even make a noise on the ground when you walk; like a proper boy. 

C'est Magnifique: Benefits Street

Noah, there is a TV show called Benefits Street. It's designed to be controversial and get human beings saying ridiculous things about other human beings based on very little true information. With that said, this is your mummy and daddy wading in with a ridiculous flow chart. You won't understand it yet. Nor will you probably agree with it once you can understand it. It revolves around the question: do you contribute more or less to society than a dog?

It raises the important question: is a dog's life ever more important or beneficial to the human race than an actual human being?

(Yes)

Zombirds

This is an entry for your Mum and Dad. Right now, as I write this, your Mum is playing a game called, "Zombirds". Whenever we get 5 minutes' break, we get the iPad out and play Zombirds.

Here is a screenshot of Zombirds.

It might not look like a hell of a lot now, in the future. The games you play now are probably integrated into your environment in some insane virtual reality simulation. Well we had Zombirds and we were very good at it.

Yesterday, Mummy got over 8 million points before she lost all her Pumpkids. So if you look at her and think she isn't cool, you're wrong.

"Mageeee"

It's odd. You are able to say the word, "Happy" and yet, 95% of the time, you call him either, "Mageeee" or simply, "Cat." Either way, you love Happy so much, despite the fact that, despite our constant efforts, he scratches you up something chronic.

Let's just say shares in Savlon are recently somewhat more robust and dependable.

An excitable, belchy boy

In the mornings, Noah can't believe his luck. Noah, the morning is probably your most adorable time of day (perhaps a lot more difficult for you to comprehend if you are now a teenager reading this). Here is an example of how happy and excited you are in the mornings. 

Watch out for the insane belch...

The boy's new clothes

We got you some new clothes. I'm sure it's not going to be the last time that it happens, but your clothes are going missing. Our theory: other children from nursery end up going home in your stuff. There have been a few times that we've seen your stuff on another child's peg. Your daddy and mummy are never too pleased with that.

Anyway, here is a picture of you (probably the first and last time) in some of your new clothes:

Noah says "Poo" when he's done a poo now. We taught him.

He even points at his nappy.

Up the park with Mummy, continued

Mummy managed to take these pictures on her (now defunct) iPad2.

Not bad, eh?

Up the park

You love the park. Grandma and Grandad take you to the park most weeks. Here Mummy took you to Hinckley park whilst Daddy was at work (of course, you probably don't call us Mummy and Daddy anymore.) 

You love saying your own name and screaming at birdies. Who doesn't?

The 3rd Generation iPad

We know that, by the time you can understand this, we will be co-habiting the world with life-like robots and aliens from another world, but, once upon a time there was a thing called the iPad and it was dead good. 

You loved them. They may look silly now, but once upon a time, you loved them.

In order to breed narcissism and selfishness into you, we showed you pictures and videos of yourself all the time. Just look at Mummy's background picture. This was you writing your first CV because Daddy wanted you out of the house putting bread on the table as soon as you were able. 

You didn't understand this metaphor and, instead, persisted putting real (rather than metaphorical) bread all over the floor.

Cheerios

Sometimes, just allowing you to have a box of cereal is the best parenting we can muster. At the minute, you love Cheerios. Or, more specifically, you love "Multigrain Hoops" (Mummy and Daddy are budgeting for your future; who can afford branded cereal anyway?)

This picture makes a change; usually you are bothering Happy for some of his duck and rabbit meat in gravy.

Baby monkey (riding backwards on a pig)

This is your current favourite video. Hopefully, as your taste in the arts becomes more refined, you will like something a little more high brow. Or not. Whatever.

Creepy Daddy

There is a little story behind this video, but we decided it would be better to let it speak for itself.

Happy and Noah: BFFs

Look at the menace in that cat's eye. Look at his claws, ready to swipe. Look at where he is: on a chair under the dining table, minding his own business. Do you think that stops you, Noah?

Nope.

You are relentless. Just look at your hands, fearlessly attempting to grab away at Happy. You can't tell from this image, but there are a lot of scratches on your hands. We are trying our best to teach you to be nice and stroke Happy. You don't listen. You love nothing more but to grab him in your crab-like grip and throw him off chairs. You also love poking him in the face, saying, "EYYEEEEESSSS!"

Happy doesn't like this. You don't like it when we tell you off. You don't get angry, but you become so tearful and terrified that you may have fallen out of favour with us that you spend the next few minutes clawing at us so tightly in a tiny Noah hug that you feel like you will never let go.

I'll be the first to admit that I have told you off on occasion just to get this reaction. It is adorable.

Getting stuck

The freedom to walk around has, ironically, got Noah nothing but stuck in places for the past month or so. The boy has no sense of perception. Often he will disappear and then you hear a slightly distressed call. By the time we find him, he usually has his head trapped under something. He has no sense to realise that he needs to duck down to get out. We are shifting more furniture than a removals firm. This was Noah stuck under a chair.

Noah, I'm sure you grow up to be quite a bright young man, but that brick head of yours is causing you a lot of hassle right now.

One of Noah's favourite uncles

Noah had just told Harvey a really funny joke about 3 nuns in a car with a dildo and a badger. A bit blue, but it was Christmas. Harvey found it funny anyway.

Benefits Street

We are bad parents.

Our baby has zero idea of how to live on the street. Our baby doesn't even know about marijuana; Gerrard on Benefits Street used to think marijuana was broccoli! Okay, he is five years old. He's bound to know more.

We force Noah to go to sleep at around 7 o'clock after his bath. How cruel. Callum on Benefits Street goes to bed when he likes. They obviously love him more.

I'm surprised no one has called the social on us, I really am.