Oscar and Caz: babysitters extraordinaire.

With the long awaited Hobbit movie on at the cinema at the minute we decided to go. Noah pleaded that he wanted to see it too, "I want to see if Peter Jackson can pull off the grandeur and epic scale of the previous trilogy - I think he can" he argued, "Pleeease?!" We told him that no means no and besides, we were not sure on the laws of defecating in a public place; even if you are a baby.

Next step in the plan was to find a babysitter. Knowing how Noah feels about Uncle Oscar and Auntie Caz, we thought they would be ideal candidates. A text message was sent. They were literally already on their way over anyway. This was fate. When they arrived, they jumped at the opportunity to spend some quality time with their new nephew and were very happy to have been asked. We had just changed Noah; fed him a full bottle; made him a new bottle just in case; and got him to sleep. "He'll probably just sleep the whole time, Oscar" I said, using my new found confident Dad voice, but if he does wake up, just try things in this order:

1. Food
2. Dummy
3. Fuss/attention 
4. Nappy
5. "If all these fail, just leave. We'll sort it when we get home"

I said the last one jokingly, but I saw them register the advice.

Off we went to the cinema. We thought about Noah a lot. Especially the scene where there is no reasoning with Gollum. There are a lot of parallels between Gollum and our boy. We received no messages or calls. The film finished. Noah was right; Jackson had done it again. We drove home.

As we walked in the door, we asked how he'd been. "Well, we'd do it again" were Caz's first words; even though they were tinged with doubt. "It's been a nightmare" said Oscar, honestly. Turns out he had spent the whole time crying; he drank all of the milk I made so they had to make a new one having never done it before; he weed all up his nappy, wetting his baby grow so they had to change him even though I hadn't got any clothes out for him; during his nappy change he weed all over himself and everyone else in the world; then he cried some more and some more and some more. 

We want this to be made clear right now: Oscar and Caz did a superb job under extreme pressure. If this was a job interview, they would get it, hands down. It wasn't their fault he was crying. Noah was just being an arsehole. We told that to his face after they had gone, "You were a real arsehole to them" I said, "A real arsehole."

"I know, Daddy. I know." said Noah, before drifting off into a calm deep sleep. 

Any more babysitting volunteers are, of course, very welcome.

This post is the shit!

Although we swore on his life that we wouldn't share this footage and these pictures of Noah, we immediately went behind his tiny back and are publishing them anyway because they are hilarious and must be shared with the world. Noah is averaging a poo every two days at the minute. Each time, it is something of a distressing experience for him and by god does it show on his face.

As a sidenote, do not trust us if we ever "swear on his life". We firmly believe that it means nothing and will be doing it at the drop of a hat.

He's "like a ridiculous angel."

Thanks to auntie Hannah and Great auntie Mandy for gifts from down south.

My Day - by Noah.

7.00am Waking up.

8.00am Breakfast.

9.25am Jeremy Kyle and trumping.

10.30am Nap and making a poo.

12.00pm Go to the shops.

1.00pm Have a bath.

2.00pm Have some lunch.

3.00pm Afternoon nap.

5.00pm Trump some more and make more poo.

6.00pm Play with Daddy.

7.00pm Go to the pub. Have a skinful and a fight.

8.00pm Throw a mard.

8.00pm Get convinced by Mummy to stop crying before Daddy has a breakdown.

10.30pm Be cute again so Mummy and Daddy have no choice but to love me. Suckers.

ANY TIME IN THE NIGHT - Sleep.

Noah's ball bag and other life lessons.

There are a number of things that people don't tell you about before you have children. The last five and a half weeks have therefore been a steep learning curve for me. For example, when he was born, his balls were huge. They were like cartoon balls; like a caricature. I had to put on a smiley face and pretend I thought nothing of it for fear of judgement by the nurses who all seemed nonplussed by his ample testicles.
I later learned that this has something to do with hormones.

Okay, okay, nothing to worry about. Then there is the constant drenchings in piss that occur bi-daily. The poo. Oh god, the poo. Cheryl has taught me the importance of having everything to hand and ready before jumping in the deep end (almost literally - deep with bob) and changing his nappy. Being caught off guard, mid-change, by a brown Mr Whippy torrent when you have both of your hands tied is a life low point.

Everyone says fatherhood changes you. Damn right it does. It makes you stink of poo and wee and makes you second guess the size of your own genitals.

Noah is confused by food shopping.

Having Noah, we spend a hell of a lot of time feeding him and less and less time feeding ourselves. We either get too tired or too wrapped up in entertaining His Royal Highness. Also, being the Christmas season , we have been spoilt by people cooking food for us. Lazy.

When we did get round to feeding ourselves today it soon became apparent that the cupboards were bare. We considered polishing the last of the anchovies off with a couple of Weetabix (or rather "Wheat Bisks" (thank you, Lidl)) but eventually decided we would go and do a big shop instead. Noah loved it.

Half way round, Noah's big blue eyes lit up and said "Daddy! What the flip are those dummies?!"

As you can see, the disappointment on his face brought a tear to all our eyes.

We love looking at this face at 3am.

Beautiful.

Bear loves Noah. And vice versa.

It seems they are getting on like a house on fire. We overheard Noah in the other room the other day talking to Bear about his family. "Bear, who do you like the most, Charlotte or Victoria?" Of course, there was no answer as Bear can't talk, but Noah had heard his reply, "Yeah, same." He said. "And who do you like more: Uncle Harvey or Uncle Oscar?" Again, there was a silence, only this time it was followed by an uncontrollable giggle, so we walked in on him and asked what was so funny. Noah shook his head and said, still laughing, "Nothing, Mummy" then he put a finger to his lips and said "Shhh!" to Bear.

Interesting.

This video speaks for itself.

Silly Bear!

This morning, Noah was in a fit of giggles."Mummy, Bear is silly!" he said, pointing to his new companion. "Why does Bear wear his bowtie to bed?" We explained that perhaps Bear found it silly that he wore a nappy to bed and that it's rude to bring these kinds of things to people's attention.

He fell back to sleep at this.

What an ungrateful boy.

Turns out, Noah got so many presents that he became a little bit spoilt. Here, he had just said, "That's enough opening presents today." He can be quite the prima donna.

What a beautiful singing voice.

Noah had been so excited about Christmas that he simply insisted that he learnt at least one carol off by heart. He gets a lot of the lyrics wrong and stumbles over some of the more difficult words but here he is singing "Let it snow"by Dean Martin.

But he changed the lyrics to "...and since we've Noah place to go/ Let it S-Noah let it S-Noah let it S-Noah."

He giggles each time he says his own name. Which was cute at first but we think it will soon become annoying.

Noah's first Christmas.

What a lucky boy he has been on his first Christmas. Noah has received such a variety of different gifts from people who obviously love him very much. He has loads of new clothes that he will be able to wear when he gets a bit bigger; a fancy knife fork and spoon; an amazing build a bear bear that he has called Bear; a bouncy walker thing that he can learn to walk in; a keepsake box to keep bits of his body in if he loses them; a lighty uppy turtle; and loads more things! "Mummy, Daddy!" he said as he eyed his mountain of presents, "This is the best Christmas EVER!" then he threw his arms around Bear and closed his eyes.

Has he got parents that love him and broke the bank to make sure he has a load of stuff on Christmas day?

No.

He has got smart parents who know how well loved he is and that he would have received loads of lovely things from other people. Plus he isn't making memories yet. In fact, we think we will be able to get away with this same trick for another few years at least.

Merry Christmas.

Decembeard

After the success of Noahvember, Noah couldn't believe his luck when he heard of Decembeard. "Daddy, can you get a dummy with a beard on it?" Noah asked, whilst feeding the goat on his farm. "No, Noah" I said, "You'll just have to grow one yourself!" Noah didn't take kindly to the joke because he is serious about battling bowel cancer.

Later that evening. The bath.

Just before this photo was taken, Noah had said, "Mummy, Daddy, look away a minute." We obliged because there was nothing else to do. Cheryl straightened the towels, I counted the toothbrushes. "Okay, now look!" said Noah, with a giggle.

He immediately stopped giggling and gave us five solid reasons why Decembeard is a useful tool to raise awareness of bowel cancer.

We both left far more enlightened.

Thank you, Noah.

He grows up so fast.

This is Noah at minus 6 months

This is Noah at about 3 hours old 

This is Noah at nearly 5 weeks (taken yesterday)

And this is Noah at 650 years old

My how he has changed.

If you don't smile at this picture you are dead inside.

Probably my favourite photo of all time.

What an extraordinary countdown semi-final.

A must watch clip. 

It's not usually my cup of tea, but whilst being on maternity leave, I've found I can't take my eyes off of it.

"It" being the game, of course.

Updates from home are always welcome.

With the pressures of teaching in an academy reaching new heights and with all kinds of deadlines looming before the christmas break, I am always happy to get updates from Cheryl during my day so that I know my family is doing fine.

These text messages and images get me through the day, particularly when I am missing them both so much.

Friday came. The last day of term. My phone goes off in my pocket and I smile when I see it's from Cheryl. "What's this?" I say to myself, smile still beaming. "A picture, too?"

I open the message. It said simply "Good morning" with the following picture attached.

We were thinking of putting this on our christmas cards with the words: "Hope your christmas isn't shit."

Watch out, Hallmark.

Squeaky Noah

Month two so far.

Noah loves butterfly but hates snail

This is butterfly.

This is snail.

Noah loves butterfly.

Noah will sit and gaze at butterfly for hours, happily cooing and chirping. Occasionally he glances over at snail and I think the right hook in the following video best shows his feelings about snail.

I am not sure what snail has done to upset Noah. 

He's over one month old

It feels like he has been around for a thousand years, but really it has only been 4weeks and 3days. He has increased his weight to 9lb 11oz now and has outgrown some of his babygrows.

We all seem to be getting along very well which is good and I can't see any real tension or reasons for this not to work out. At first Noah was a little bit shy and quiet but now he knows us better, he speaks out if he doesn't agree with something. Sometimes he speaks up quite loudly but I'm sure this won't be a problem. He's sweet most of the time.

Noah wants to thank Mummies work pals

He sleeps on the farm now.

Thank you for all the brilliant gifts which have helped us so much. He's a lucky boy. See you at the Christmas party. In the words of Kelster 'We're gonna get twisted'. Love you guys x

Noah is NOT scared of a man this big.

Unbelieveable.

"What a lovely picture"

That's what I thought when this one came out. But only then did I spot how big Noah's hand was against my chin. The scale is all wrong. It looks ginormous. 

Or is it just me?

Noah and the Gee Gees

At first, Noah couldn't get held by Great Grandad because Great Grandad had poorly eyes and had to wear sunglasses all the time, even indoors, like the Terminator. Now it's a different story. Now you just can't keep the two of them apart.

Similarly, Noah show his appreciation for his Grandad yesterday by covering him in wee. He laughed about it later when he told me after I got home from work. "You should have seen his face, Daddy" he said.

Chloe is a bad influence on Noah.

We had to wait a little while before Noah had the body to pull his cool new shirt off,  but now it's well-fitted and shows off his muscles a bit. He likes that about it. Thing is, when he wears it, he gets a real attitude like he thinks he's Vanilla Ice or something. See him here,whining to his Daddy because he wouldn't let him use swear words in his raps. Stephen said "You can still write your raps but I would like that particular word changed to 'fudge', please."

"Fudge you" said Noah.

What a naughty boy.