The 'Moore confusion'

"Daddy?" Noah had stopped reading his book and was looking at me from his farm, "It's sad that Patrick Moore is dead isn't it." I answered that of course it was and that he had inspired a few generations into wanting to know more about the stars. Noah frowned and looked back at his book. There was nothing but the sound of Deal or No Deal in the background before he turned around again, this time a little more confused, "Daddy, who played James Bond in more films, Sean Connery or Patrick Moore?"

I spit my tea out laughing.


No, Noah, you're thinking about Roger Moore. I then proceeded to show him pictures of the two of them. I suppose both were a little before his time.

If Noah was a worm, we'd say that he has turned.

Once upon a time, four weeks ago, we had a baby. We called him Noah. Oh, here he is now:

He was very nice boy and just sat and cooed and pooed and slept.

And he knew how to make his Mummy and Daddy melt in an instant.

Whilst he sometimes looked sad, he loved his car seat and bear hat.

Even at bedtime, he was a little cherub.

Then it changed.

Now Noah's always saying things like, 'Where's my milk, Mummy, you bitch?!'

Or, 'Are you just going to let me sit in my own shit all day Daddy or do you think you'll change my damn nappy sometime this century?'

Noah, you've changed.

Noah flippin loves the bath

Noah thinks he's meeting the Queen.

"Crikey, Daddy, these clothes are well nice" said Noah, whilst looking down at his new threads, "Are we going to meet the Queen or something?" We laughed and explained that they were a generous gift from Daddy's workmates.

"Tell them thank you" said Noah, as he straightened his hat in the mirror, proudly.

What a lucky boy. Thank you, everyone.

The day Noah met the McGees.

With the McGees having moved to Scotland on the day he was born, Noah was impossibly excited when we told him they were coming back for the weekend. Every time a car pulled up he said, "It's them! It's them!" and we had to keep saying "No, Noah, it's not them yet. Be patient." He looked thoughtfully at Cheryl and asked whether they would need a passport when they crossed the border. Cheryl and I smiled at each other.

We love how inquisitive he is.

We had a lovely take away and chilled out on the Saturday night with Toria and Scott also making an appearance. Eventually, the time came for them all to go. Noah's bottom lip was wobbly and he just kept looking at the floor. "I miss them already" he said quietly, to himself.

Noah has been born. Officially.

Noah is on the grid. He is a human being. He is part of the system. In 300 years, people would be able to search through their family trees and they will be able to find the entry, born in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve: Noah Sebastian Arthur Webb. Here is the proof:

Cousin 'Toria stayed at home and chilled out with Noah whilst Cheryl and I braved town. We got there very early so decided to get a McDonald's breakfast. We don't like the idea of boring you with inane breakfast stories but I wanted to mention this because we saw a boring, ugly baby. He could only be a couple of weeks old - like Noah. He had long, shitty hair and a boring, boring face. When we looked into the faces of this kid's parents, we saw where his boring face had been carbon copied from.

Cheryl and I shared a smug look as we finished our sausage and egg Mcmuffins.

When we got home and showed Noah his certificate, he said it was pretty cool. Then when we told him about this odd baby we saw he wasn't so impressed, "that's not funny, mummy" he said disapprovingly, "that's quite a shallow thing to say". We agreed and changed his bobby nappy.

What a morning.

We miss Daddy

Yesterday Stephen returned to work and Noah and I were left alone. No sooner had he left us, everything began to fall apart. Noah wee'd all up his own back and onto the bed despite wearing a very secure nappy. Within just an hour or so he once again wee'd up his own back and onto the sofa, meaning another full nappy and outfit change. Between the wee incidents I had several full on, overflowing pooey nappies. I also had screams and cries that we hadn't heard before. A generally irritable little boy who was very difficult to settle was disrupted by the Health Visitor and the boiler man. Even playing 'Circle of Life' wouldn't calm him. By the time Stephen got back home to us, Noah was exhausted and slept for the entire evening. We missed Daddy a lot. 

I was later informed that you should make sure his penis is pointing down in his nappy or else he will wee up his own body. I'm always learning. 

We are painting some pictures for Noah's room.

"That picture's so cute. Everyone went awww"

Apparently that's a fact. How could they not?

Don't be fooled by the smile. It was probably just a huge trump.

Noah's well into Movember. Noahvember.

When we told Noah that Ashley and Mark were going to come over after picking up a bargain bed in Stinckley, he got really excited. So excited that he literally bobbed himself. After being embarrassed and apologising to us, we cleaned him up and got him ready. Noah asked to be put in some casual clothes because he wanted it to be quite an informal affair. When he came back downstairs, however, we saw how he had accessorised.

What a distinguished boy.

He was, of course only joking. He disappeared back upstairs, had a shave and was back in a flash. Being clean and fresh, Noah was ready. "Bring them in" he said, confidently.

After sharing our possible constipation concerns on Noah's behalf, Mark had a very good farme-related answer: "Give him a teaspoon of liquid paraffin" he said "That'll sort him right out."

"He's not a lamb!" Ashley observed, correctly.

Nevertheless, we've been up Wilkos this morning and have 500ml of the stuff ready.

At least he didn't suggest getting a barrel of water and a brick. Or a barn wall.

What a trumpy boy we have on our hands.

His Royal Highness has been such a good boy today that he has decided to sleep all afternoon. This is great because it means he has been gathering strength for another late night. Great news indeed.

This is video proof that Noah's digestive system works a treat.

Noah and his cousins

Noah obviously likes Victoria and Charlotte a lot because he is summoning the power of light around his tiny baby head just like Gandalf.

Changing nappies: Daddy is still learning

Noah is not able to create memories yet. This is a good thing.

Today, Cheryl went to get her hair cut in town leaving me alone with Noah. Easy, yes? Well, yes, mostly. That was until I needed to change his nappy. That is usually (literally) a piece of piss. The biggest problem is that Noah's favourite thing to do in the world is to play the game 'wee on daddy'.  Well, as I was cleaning his bum with a baby wipe and smothering his baby bits in sudacrem because I love him and I don't want him having a nappy rash, I looked up and saw that he had done a wee...and it had gone all over his own pretty little face. I'm talking drenched, here.

I am a terrible person. 

Noah's cuteness is turned up to 11

Noah loves Mummy

Ungrateful uncle Harvey

I was just tidying up the living room today when I saw a bit of a frown on Noah's little face. I asked him what the problem was but he just looked a little coy and said nothing was wrong. Being his dad, I can tell when something has upset my son so I stopped what I was doing and asked him again. This time, he looked down to the ground and pointed over at a red envelope on the table. I went over and looked at what he was talking about. On the front, Noah had written "For my uncle Harvey, Love from Noah x". Confused, I looked back at Noah and he just said "he left it here, Daddy. Uncle Harvey didn't take it." I gave him a big hug and assured him that he still has other uncles and aunties who love him very much, even if Harvey doesn't.

Here's a video to see what Noah was talking about:

What a prick

Today was the day Cheryl and I were dreading. Today was the the day Noah had his heel prick test. For the uninitiated, a the heel prick test is when the midwife grabs your baby's heel, takes a needle and stabs the heel, making it bleed. As you can imagine, this bit is horrible as it makes the baby cry. However, what is far worse is the following few painful minutes when the same midwife has to keep squeezing the heel, taking five decent blobs of blood. 

Now, those of you who have already met Noah know what a placid, quiet, well read and happy boy that he is. It is therefore hell on earth to hear him screaming that horrible, high-pitched squeal. Cheryl and I were watching through our fingers.

Eventually it was Noah who brought proceedings to a close. He sat up and said to the midwife, "Okay, okay, we're getting nowhere with this. My blood is coagulating far too quickly and it is making it tricky for you to get what you need from my heel." The midwife, exasperated, agreed and asked what he proposed. "Well" said Noah, "I think we should pop the kettle on, have a lovely cup of tea and a sit down before reassessing the situation in a minute." Given this time, we put the whole thing into perspective and it made everything easier to deal with. Before we knew it, Cheryl, me and Noah were waving the midwife off at the door. 

And that was the prick test. 

Grandad (left) and smiling Noah (right)

Today, Noah lost his horrible, dried up cord.

And his face was a picture!

Look away if you have diabetes. It's so sweet, you'll die.

We had to upload this video because, for whatever reason, Stephen can't stop laughing whenever Noah gets hiccups.