The nursery wanted to charge us £18 for this tripe

When I picked Noah up from nursery a couple of weeks ago, I was told in no uncertain terms that a genius was coming soon. A genius. This genius would bring some props and a camera, do a bit of filming, and create a masterpiece. "It's brilliant," were the words said with closed eyes and a wave of the hand. "Unbelievable," was also thrown in there for good measure.

"Tell me more," I said.

"Well this guy comes in and pops Noah in a fake car then works his magic on a computer and bingo, he's in his very own christmas movie."

It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street sprang to mind. This sounded extremely promising. We all love a good christmas movie.

The filming day came and went.

When I got him yesterday, I was proudly handed the demo DVD (which needed to be returned) and an order form. I took it home. Cheryl and I were excited to see the results. We put the DVD into the computer. What followed was a torrent of shite with all the polish of a chalky dog turd. Now, we pay about fifty quid a day for Noah to attend his nursery. I used to get paid £50 a day so to me - to anyone in fact - this is a lot of money. If the nursery turned round and said, "Thanks for paying through the nose to have Noah here, here is an amateurish 5minute long DVD that we had made - consider it a small christmas gift," then we might watch it once and say, "I've seen worse things," and chuck the DVD into a fire, quite happily. But for the price of "£18" to be so matter of factly written on the order form we were horrified and annoyed to the point of nausea.

I got some software and ripped it to YouTube for free. It's got all the writing on it but so what. If anything it helps to disguise the avalanche of runny shit that is occurring in the background. It's so unpolished that in the credits, much to my already climaxing fury, it said, "The Cast: Sleigh Driver...Played by me..."

Played by me.

Fuck off.

Just fuck off. Tell your pissing Martin Scorsese friend he can keep his tenth rate, amateur, insulting steaming turd of a DVD, too.

And no, we don't want a fucking fridge magnet, either.